The Anxiety Of A Restless Soul

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Do You Believe In Forever?

Forever is a word that all of us are uncertain if we do have a forever as lifetime partners.

In this world, we are not alone, we have our parents who love us unconditionally. But human as we are, we seek love which is not from our families and kin. We seek intimacy.

The question above is still vague for me, even I myself can’t answer it. I am puzzled if I can have my forever. I am not ugly. I have a sex appeal. I have money. In short, I am worthy to be loved. However, I still feel empty. It may be because I am not certain of the love given to me by my special one. I may have everything in this world but it would mean nothing for I have doubts that the love given to me really reciprocate the love that I want from him.

My mind is not at peace, love is hard to grasp for a person like me. I never intend this to happen in my life. But, this is me, I am born this way. I cannot change what I am destined to be. Though, I already accepted who I am, I am not at ease. I am bothered of what lies in the future. Will he still love me tomorrow?

He is the man whom I have known for quite some time. Though, his intention is still a shadow, I truly discerned to know him because he turns me on. Since the day we have talked, I asked myself with a big “why?” I even solicit answers up in the sky if I have to continue the feelings I have inside. This man whose shadow is still a phantom lingers in my mind. But my desire to know him keeps going on. What a foolish heart I have borne?  Unexpectedly, though I have no answers but in my head his face suddenly shone. To talk to him is never a boredom, it is like he is a man full of wisdom. He has the power to lure me and forget the realm.

But then again question and fear keep on repeating. Though I assured my heart there is no turning, still my mind keeps on rolling. Until now my mind and heart keep on fighting. My heart says stop beating and stop confusing but my head says “you are foolish or else you will be longing in vain. “

The fear of my heart never ceased.  They are both not at peace. Generalizations tell me he is not a masterpiece designed for me. Yet, I am afraid of losing him and it will cause me to death.”  Love conquers all”, this quote is what I hold on. Until when will I believe that this quote exists?

All of a sudden, the grin of my face turns into dismay. I am not the perfect masterpiece for him. Being me, is peerless, yet I am not equally what he desires for. Haven’t you wonder why I have this fear?  Do you have any idea why I am this insecure? No matter what I have and what I’ve got, still I am not gratified with it.

I am not materialistic, I am not worldly. Yet, I have no security. Do you believe there will be a forever for me? Forever is what makes me complete. Do you think I will have him forever?

Can you figure out what is wrong with me? What?  There is nothing wrong with me, only that I am a.  .    .  .   .   .     .     .   .   .          .       .  gay.

 

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